Our Baby Size Life!

Posts Tagged ‘ambulance’

A little note today on my series of posts entitled “Sam’s Big Gift” (check out all of Part 1, Part 2, Part 3 and Part 4).  It’s been a full four weeks since that adventurous day, and Melissa and I have thankfully not suffered any relapses.  We have also, to my great sadness , haven’t had any stripper nurses come around either .  So, life goes on.  Day by day we live our little routine, and as each day passes our fears of a repeat incident are subsided.  As each meal stayed the course and refused to ascend our digestive systems, we grew more and more confident in our recovery.

We are feeling fine and doing great, but my wallet isn’t.  Yesterday in the mail, we got our ambulance transportation fee.  It was for $216.00.  :shock:  For a 10 minute ride?!!?  They didn’t even put on the freaking siren!!! Hello! Remember us?!? The Jack and Jill medics? We’ll here’s our little way of saying “Thanks for riding along!!”.  So that clears one thing up folks: they didn’t do any prostate exams while I was in the hospital anymore, because it is now clear to me that they wait a few weeks, and stick it to you at home through the mail. Is it the gas? How much does it cost to gas up an ambulance?  Are they running on freaking caviar and Cristal?  Jack and Jill we’re a little hefty… Am I paying their lunch bill as well?  So 62 tacos is an ideal lunch for a portly pair of paramedics? Did I pass out and miss the buffet stop during the ride?!?

Mind you, the fee is a combined amount for both Melissa and I, but for a hundred bucks they could have at least managed to let me lie down in the damn ambulance.  If you remember the situation, I was fighting back a puke attack due to me bouncing up and down on the ambulance’s trampoline/chair!  My vital fluids are everywhere but where they should be, and they give me a seat in the Cirque du Soleil!  I guess it’s that attention to detail that drove the price up folks.

I’m just ranting here folks, but I feel better now!  I might rant off again in a few days, because if the ambulance wasn’t free, then the hospital stay sure as heck won’t be!  Stripper nurses don’t come cheap you know! Right guys?!? Huh?!?! Guys?!?! Right?!?! Hmm… yeah…

Sam’s Big Gift is turning out to be one of those gifts that keeps on giving!

If you haven’t done it yet, I recommend you read Sam’s Big Gift Part 1 and Part 2 before proceeding.  It’ll put things into context for you and help you avoid brain cramping questions like: “Why is he wearing socks and sandals in a hospital with Jack & Jill ?”.

Moving right along…

The ambulance pulled into the hospital around 11 A.M. and Jill asked me to get out of the ambulance first.  Now this meant I had to cram myself between Melissa’s stretcher and Jill’s prominent bodily presence.  Jill was sitting and I had to bend over because of the low ceiling, which in terrific ice-breaking combination, lined her face up with my sweaty pyjama-pant ass.  Nice.  Talk about getting to know someone in a hurry. I kept thinking “Squeeze the cheeks and don’t fart!”.  If Jill calls us up in a couple days and says that she caught what we had – well folks, THAT was the point of transmission!

So out I went into what I was hoping would be a stretcher of my own.  Too bad for me, cause a wheelchair was all they had waiting.  Great! Another freaking seat! No beds in this damn hospital! They gently lowered Melissa out of the ambulance and wheeled us into the triage area.  I slouched as low as I could go in the wheelchair which put my knees about even with my forehead… Sexy I know, but I needed to get horizontal and the building full of medical experts couldn’t figure that out.  We spent what seemed to be four hours waiting for our turn, but it was probably more like 15 minutes.  Melissa and Jill were still chatting like pledge sisters while Jack and I were quiet.  I wasn’t in the mood to talk and Jack was checking out the nurses PHD’s.  That’s their asses folks, not their diplomas…  PHD means Pretty Heavy Dumper.  It’s finally our turn and we meet a new nurse that we’ll call Bambi.  Why? Just because we had so many nurses attend to us that I couldn’t remember any of their names. So I’ll give them stripper names, cause everybody remembers a stripper’s name. Right? Huh guys? Are ya with me on this?!? Riiiight, so anyways, back to Bambi in the triage.

Keep reading about Bambi and her friends here…